How to Behave at a Dinner Party

By the title of this post, you might think I get invited to a lot of dinner parties. This isn't exactly true. I don't think it's a reflection on my being unwelcome at these types of events, but instead says something about my close circle of friends. I guess we're more for casual outings, restaurant dinners and laid-back gatherings at home as opposed to fancy dinner parties. But you never know when you might get an invite to a soiree or gala.

What, you don't go to dinner parties much either? No matter, these tips will serve you for any social occasion in which you might happen to find yourself.

 by bubbo.etsy.com

1) Make Conversation 

This seems painfully obvious, but I encounter so many folks who seem to lack this skill. I guess when they say conversation is a lost art, it's the truth.

How it works is, you ask other people polite questions (more on that in a second) and then you smile and nod while they answer you. Then, if they ask you questions, you answer them as well.

Conversation is not one person doing all the talking while the rest try to get a word in. And it's not sitting there scrolling through your phone. Which leads me to number 2...

2) DON'T SIT THERE AND SCROLL THROUGH YOUR PHONE

Really? This is not something we should have to be told. But sadly, it is. I'm not talking about checking your phone to see if the baby-sitter texted a question about your child or taking an emergency call.

I'm referring to people who slump down in their chairs, scrolling aimlessly through their Facebook news feed while a dinner party is going on around them. I don't get this at all. It sends the message to the host that their efforts aren't worth your time. And it sends a message to the other guests that they aren't as interesting as a random Internet meme or cat video being shared on social media.

And if you are older than 40, you should definitely know better than to do this. You lived in a world without smartphones for goodness sake.

3) Don't Ask Inappropriate Questions or Discuss Topics that Might be Offensive

Recently, a dear friend of mine went to a party and upon her polite refusal of wine, another guest turned to her and asked if she was an alcoholic. First of all, it's nobody's business why she didn't want wine. She's not an alcoholic, but if she were, how awkward would that have been?

And none of anyone's business for sure!

Don't ask people if they are an alcoholic. Or what their political affiliation is. Or how they voted. Or how much their paycheck was.

Again, this all seems like obvious stuff, but maybe we're getting away from common sense and need to be reminded.

Other dinner party conversation topics to avoid: dissection, animal slaughter, feces...actually anything to do with the bathroom in general or in specific.

4) Don't Name Drop

So your best friend is a famous celebrity. That's awesome. But it's really not being a good friend to try and leverage their "it" factor to make yourself look better at parties. If it comes up casually or if someone asks you directly, it's okay to mention it, but don't be 'that person' who's obsessed with who they know.

The doll's biscuit was stale, but she bit her tongue lest she offend her kind hostess {via}

5) Don't Make a Fuss 

So you're a vegetarian and the main dish is chicken. This happened to me recently. If you can politely convey this message to your host(ess) prior to the food being served, I think that's okay. Otherwise, just push it to the side. Don't make a big fuss about how it was murdered. Even if you think it was.

6) Don't Ask to Bring a Guest

Throwing a dinner party seems like it would be a great deal of work. And it takes much planning. If you are invited to a party, but aren't given the option of bringing a date/plus one/guest, don't ask to do so.

The party host has probably considered his/her budget, seating limits, and guest list in the planning stage and an extra person could really throw that out of balance.

And never, ever show up with unannounced with an extra person. This is just rude.

Aunt Bee is a gracious southern hostess, she won't lead you astray!

7) Follow the Host's Lead

If in doubt, just look to your host or hostess. If she takes second helpings, it's a sign that you can too. If he opens more wine, have some. If your hosts don't serve alcohol, don't ask for any. You can be sure that your host wants you to be comfortable and at ease.

Any type of social gathering should be fun. And when you follow these simple, basic, social rules, you'll be the hit of every party.

Other things to consider:

Bringing a Hostess Gift - This is a great thing to do when you're invited to any social gathering, as long as it isn't something that requires the host to take his or her focus away from the party. Cut flowers, a potted plant, a bottle of wine or even a basket of local jam & honey is nice. Never a pet.

Writing a Thank You Note - Non-negotiable. You MUST write a Thank You Note and you must do so promptly. And NOT an email. Some belles carry Thank You Notes in their purses and leave one in the mailbox on the way out for their hosts to find the next morning. I like to show that I'm not too cheap to buy a stamp. Plus, every host will appreciate getting a few kindly penned words by post.

Social Graces: How to Have Fun at Your Holiday Office Party

When the holidays roll around, our calendars start filling up with festive fetes and soirees. But, what's supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year often morphs into the most stressful time of the year...especially if you feel less than confident in social situations.

One hot topic that often incites anxiety is holiday office parties. Last year, I wrote about how to survive your holiday office party in my Social Q's etiquette column for Modern Ink Magazine.

You can read my full advice on making the most of your holiday work party here.

Between then and now, I've lived a little and learned a few things so I wanted to share some more advice that might come in handy when it comes to socializing with co-workers at a holiday office gathering.

Do keep conversation light.
Don't talk shop the entire time. Work might be what you have in common, but the purpose of this gathering is to celebrate the year's accomplishments by giving yourself a break from the grind.

Do bring a date/spouse/partner if permitted.
Don't bring several additional family members just so they can enjoy the free food.

Do participate in a gift exchange or white elephant game if there is one.
Don't buy the most expensive or least expensive gift you can find. Stick to the rules of the game, depending on what they are (price limits, homemade gift, etc.)

Do bring a covered dish or appetizer to share if it's a potluck.
Don't attempt to make a brand new recipe at the last minute if there's any chance it could turn out strange or inedible. Stick with a classic or favorite that you know everybody will love.

Do contribute to a group gift for your boss if there is one.
Don't make a big show of presenting the gift as if it came from you alone.

Do enjoy a cocktail or glass of wine (if you want to).
Don't drink to excess and embarrass yourself or someone else.

Do have fun and make some memories.
Don't stress out about it. The holidays come around only once a year...relax and be yourself.

With all the folks out of work these days, those of us with jobs are pretty fortunate! Let's keep a healthy dose of perspective and enjoy the season of festivities to the fullest. 

[photo via  by docpop (contact)]

Mind Your Manners: Lost Art of Thank You

I’m joining my friends at Knoxville’s WTNZ Fox43 this morning for a segment about a topic near and dear to my heart: thank you notes. I’ve always thought it was important to send handwritten notes letting folks know how much you appreciate their kind gestures and since tomorrow is World Gratitude Day, I thought it was a perfect time to remind myself to stop and say thank you (You can view the segment at the bottom of this post).

It’s natural to send a thank you note when someone gives you a gift. But do you ever send a note to say thanks for little acts of kindness? A thank you note doesn't have to follow a traditional gift. This is where my idea of using vintage post cards comes in.

I have collected post cards for years, but lately my collection has been shrinking as I've been sending them out as little "thanks for being you" notes. There's nothing like going to the mail and finding a sweet, handwritten note from a dear friend. If you've been putting off writing a note like this, I encourage you to do it today!

As a child, my parents always stressed the importance of sending thank you notes and that has stuck with me into adulthood. There are some great new stationery options that will encourage kids to get into the habit of writing thank you notes. I love these fill in the blank cards for a younger child.

Another idea is to let your child create one-of-a-kind artwork on the front of blank note cards or have his or her drawings printed onto cards. As a kid, I would have loved sending cards with my own artistic masterpieces of them and I'm sure grandma and grandpa would enjoy receiving them as well. 

If you want to say thank you, but can't come up with the right words, there are tons of books out there to help! The Thank You Book by Robyn Spizman is a great example of one with lots of inspiration to get your grateful juices flowing. 

We tend to make things so hard on ourselves, but it doesn't have to be. From the most gorgeous printed stationery to a priceless handmade card...it's really the sentiment behind it that matters. Let's all take a moment tomorrow and say thank you to someone who has made a difference in our lives. I'm grateful for you, my friend! 

 

Modern Ink Magazine Social Qs: Cleanup Conundrum

I’m a self-proclaimed etiquette junkie so when the fabulous folks over at Modern Ink Magazine asked me to do a regular column answering reader-submitted questions about social graces, I couldn’t have been more excited! My regular column is called Social Qs and the latest edition’s question was as follows:

“I really enjoy entertaining, but it seems as though I’m always the one who hosts (and therefore the one who is always left with an enormous mess). What’s a tactful way to ask my friends to pitch in without sounding whiney?”

Click here to read my response. I’m curious…how would YOU have answered this question? Do you agree with my answer or do you have a different take on things?

For more of my solutions to life’s most perplexing situations, hop over to the Modern Ink blog and check it out!

Tell the Truth and Shame the Devil

Today is National Honesty Day and in honor of the occasion, I’m going to tell the truth…something I don’t always do. I wouldn’t call myself a liar, but there are definitely times when falsehoods slip from my lips.
I’d like to think this is less an issue of my character and more a result of my southern upbringing. Growing up, I witnessed adults lie all the time. Before you go thinking I was raised around a bunch of godless heathens, I’d better explain. In the south, there are just certain things we cannot or simply do not tell the truth about. We aren’t evil. In fact, most of the lies we tell are well-meaning and intended to do more good than harm.



I’ve attempted to compile a list of common lies we tell in the south (but I’m sure there are plenty of others). I’ve decided that all southern lies fall into two categories: lies to make other people feel better and lies to make yourself feel better. Within these categories are several sub-categories such as lies about food, lies about fashion, lies about other people’s children, and lies for self preservation.

Lies about food vary from telling someone her barely edible lemon icebox pie is the best you’ve ever eaten to saying a store-bought dessert is homemade or pretending to be allergic to a particular food item when really you just despise it.

Lies about fashion usually involve complimenting someone’s dress/hair/shoes when you don’t mean it. Same goes for lies about other people’s children. This might include saying someone’s child is the smartest/cutest/sweetest ever to walk the face of the earth. Any of these sound familiar?

We’ve all heard the old adage “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Instead, it’s become “if you can’t say something nice, lie and say something nice anyway.”

My fear in all of this is that by getting so comfortable telling lies, we stop recognizing the truth. This post was intended to be somewhat humorous, but maybe the issue needs addressing. I want my words to mean something. I want the people in my life to know they can count on me to tell the truth, even if it might be hard to hear. I believe there is a way to speak the truth in love. Wouldn’t doing so help us all in the long run? I’d love to hear your input on this subject!
{image 2 via flickriver}

For the Beau: Sending Flowers

Valentine’s Day is approaching and I’m sure many of the beaus (and aspiring beaus) out there have flowers on their minds. Yes, we gals love flowers. I’m not sure why we love them so much, but maybe it’s just one of those 

inexplicable truths. 

Here is a bit of advice for the gentleman who desires to show his affections with a floral gift, courtesy of that grand dame of propriety herself, Amy Vanderbilt. Her advice may be over 50 years old, but I think it still rings true. 

“A man who is laying siege to a girl’s heart does well not to systematize his flower-sending. I knew one man who 

could be counted on to send two dozen long-stemmed red roses every Saturday, rain or shine. And another who 

might send a gay red geranium in a simple clay pot or turn up with a single gardenia in a twist of green waxed paper 

or a new recording or some fresh catnip for the kitten one never knew. Any woman could tell in a minute which was the more interesting man.” 

While I’ve never been one to stick my nose in the air over a gift of roses, I get Ms. V’s point that variety is the spice of life. Gents, maybe mix things up with something unexpected this year to truly win the affections of the belle after whom you’ve set your cap. 

Are you expecting to give or receive any flowers this year for St. Valentine’s?  If so, are you hoping/planning for the traditional or something with a twist? 

{quote via Amy Vanderbilt’s Complete Book of Etiquette}

An Impromptu Interview with Allan Benton

So yesterday I promised to share a little bit more about Mr. Allan Benton, proprietor of Benton’s Smoky Mt. Country Hams. Maybe you haven’t heard of him, but if this is the case you might be in the ever-decreasing minority. Several years ago, Gourmet Magazine’s John T. Edge wrote a feature on Mr. Benton and spent some time with him in New York visiting with chefs who were using his products. At that time the concept of scallops in a Benton’s ham consommé might have been a novel one, but now you’d be hard-pressed to find a chef who isn’t familiar with Benton’s cured offerings and/or using them in his or her creations.

Events like Bacon Fest probably wouldn’t even take place if it weren’t for him. But you won’t be able to convince him of this. Alright, I guess I’m getting ahead of myself. While the southern beau and I were stuffing our faces Saturday evening, I noticed someone had taken the seat beside me. Imagine my shock to turn around and see Mr. Allan Benton. I’m sure my eyes were as big as saucers as I turned back to the beau and mouthed (as inconspicuously as I could muster) “OH MY GOSH…THAT’S HIM.” Subtle, huh?

Over the next hour or so, Mr. Benton chatted with us and graciously answered my questions. He told me about how he had started out to be a school teacher, quitting when he realized he would have been teaching in the 2^nd-lowest paid county in the lowest paid state. He said he starting curing meat as something to do in the meantime “until he figured out what he wanted to be.” He said he still hasn’t figured this out. We talked about how pork, which once was simply a sustenance food, is now considered such a delicacy and how he owes his success to the creativity of others…like the chefs who fed us at Bacon Fest, folks who are always coming up with new ways to enjoy pork.

He spoke of how people today don’t really know how to butcher, a complaint I heard my grandfather, a long-time Kroger butcher, make in the years before he retired. When I asked Mr. Benton if he ate bacon every day, he said that while he could eat some variation of pork every day, he mainly lived on cheddar cheese and peanut butter (a man after my own heart). He (wisely) told us his wife is the world’s best bacon cook and that the secret to good bacon isn’t really in the kind of skillet you use, but instead that you “play with it a little bit” while cooking. We conversed about gravy (red eye vs. sausage), kill’t lettuce (something we both love), and his facility in Madisonville, Tennessee (a place he assured us we’d find underwhelming).

The whole experience was such a treat and I left the event on cloud nine. Some people might feel this way after meeting a movie star or television personality…I guess that’s how I’m different from some people. I’m making plans to visit Benton’s, hopefully during a time when Mr. Benton will be around. He said he only spends about 75 hours a week there. But they say if you choose a career you love, you’ll never work a day in your life. Maybe that’s why Allan Benton doesn’t think he’s found his career path yet…making bacon just comes so naturally for him it doesn’t feel like a job.

When I first visited Europe about 10 years ago, I would try to tell the people I met where I was from. Only when I’d say “Jack Daniels” would Tennessee have a sticking point with them. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before saying “Benton’s bacon” will put me on the map.

{Image 1 & 2 via flickr}

Chic is…

I just finished watching this video and it really made me think. In it, Jared Goss, curator of modern art for the Met, speaks about different works of art throughout history and whether or not they are chic.

Chic is definitely something I am guilty of aspiring to, although by Goss’ definition (and perhaps this is true), being chic must be effortless and unsought-after. Goss says it just has to be.

The chic-est person I’ve met lately is for sure Ms. Beverly Bremer of Atlanta. I met her while on a visit to her eponymous silver shop in Buckhead and if you haven’t been, it’s a must!

Do you consider yourself chic? If yes, what makes you so? If not, do you know anyone truly chic? Goss speaks about a certain ‘veneer of perfection’ that accompanies chic-ness, and that goes along somewhat with the experience we try to create here in the south. Probably the reason I’ll never be chic is that it requires understated elegance and I’ve always fancied myself to be a little over the top.

Just a few of my thoughts on this loverly afternoon. Now share some of yours! Happy Thursday friends!

Seersucker Social, Social Indeed

Chalk it up to ‘city-envy,’ but after spending some time in Atlanta lately, it seems there is no shortage of adventures to be had in that famous southern destination. I was there this weekend for a conference, but little did I know such a stylish event was taking place just a few miles from me. It’s probably a good thing I didn’t know because I might have been tempted to skip my sessions and join in!



The Seersucker Social is a group bike ride which started from Woodruff Park and ended with a picnic at Oakland Cemetery. They even stopped for popsicles and peach mojitos along the way! Maybe wearing dress clothes on a bike ride through a bustling (sweltering!) city doesn’t sound like the most practical idea, but since when was being fabulous ever practical? {It's probably for the best I didn't try to participate in this adventure...with my lack of coordination and propensity for bumping into things, I would have probably needed an Atlanta bicycle accident attorney!}

All images were taken by the talented Cameron Adams, photographer and fashion blogger extraordinaire. He is known for his blog, The Chattanoogan which is a bit like that of the Sartorialist, but better because it’s set in the south!



It’s apparent from these smiling faces that great fun was had by all! Are you feeling some city envy too? Let’s quit our belly-aching and make an effort to improve our own towns, one fabulous day at a time!

{All images are from Cameron’s flickr set of the Seersucker Social and are used with permission via the Creative Commons License}

Quoted: Amy Vanderbilt

“The best-dressed women I know pay very little attention to the picayune aspects of fashion, but they have a sound understanding of style.”

-- Amy Vanderbilt

{image by noemi manalang via flickr}

Being Mannerly

I’ve always been what you might call an etiquette junkie. When I was growing up, I found a volume on our shelves called Charlotte Ford’s Book of Modern Manners. It gave me many hours of amusement as I read and re-read it, vowing to be well-versed in the world of mannerly behavior. Had I been invited to meet foreign dignitaries at age 13, I would have known just what color gloves were appropriate to wear.

I’ve since added other tomes to my collection, including several by Emily Post, Miss Manners and the queen of gentility herself, Ms. Amy Vanderbilt. I love her thoughts on things and find her attitude so refreshing, even though this particular book was published in 1957. I guess good manners don’t go out of style.

As much as I love this area of knowledge, its seems too often we value adherence to the rules of manners over simply treating people well. I think about the scene in To Kill a Mockingbird when Scout’s friend Walter Cunningham joins the Finch family for lunch and wants to cover his entire plate with molasses. Scout knows this just isn’t done, but it’s a chance for her father to teach her about breaking rules to do what is right, in this case, make a guest feel comfortable in your home. I think this is what Miss Amy means when she says “our particular circumstances may permit us to omit them somewhat.” Don’t you know as a Vanderbilt, she saw her share of “chi-chi?” Love that expression!

Happy Monday friends!